I'm trying to keep it a secret that I'm pregnant. My parents and sisters know, that's about it besides a few of my friends. The people I know who don't care enough to wanna tell other people cuz they know no one else who knows me--those can be the best friends to have sometimes. I think that's why I only add the people I don't like to facebook. I keep my sexy friends on msn. I don't alienate that many people, I don't think. Meh, my phone still rings.
The other day I had to leave work half way into my shift and go to emergency because I started having pain in my cervix/lower abdominal area that would not go away and was impossible to ignore. I couldn't sit down without squirming, it was very painful. I also started bleeding again. The pain stopped after an hour, but I waited a few more hours in emergency in case it would come back. It never did and I decided to leave cuz I was tired and I didn't feel as though I had a reason to be there anymore. I felt fine! The bleeding is almost gone again. I'm pretty sure I would've noticed tissue coming out of me. I felt something come out of me once, but I never saw if it was anything.
My body knows I don't want to have this baby which I think I've been miscarrying on/off again for over a month. I've gone to the doctor over a dozen times, I lost count, but I know it's at least that many (that's not counting the times I had to go to a radiologist for ultrasounds, or take lab tests--sucks when you're family doctor goes on vacation and other doctors seem much less concerned about you). I always hated waiting rooms, but it's even worse when it's almost a daily occurrence and you're lucky if you can get out of there within an hour.
So maybe It's a good thing that I had to quit my job at the casino because I just started there and I was on probation, so I couldn't really call in sick without them thinking I didn't want the job. So now I'm back at my shitty old job. Both jobs are shitty, actually. At least this job has flexibility in scheduling and if I book time off in advance, I'm actually going to get it.
I called the abortion clinic but they don't know where the embryo is and I've had two ultrasounds and taken countless blood tests that say I'm pregnant, but not producing enough BHZ hormone, whatever that is. I think it has to do with the fact that I've been feeling depressed, but still making myself accomplish things each day and getting out of the house, eating healthy. Of course if I wasn't bleeding and afraid of having an embryo come out of me during intercourse (though I doubt that'll ever happen), maybe I would be happier.
I'm pretty sure I'm just depressed from being pregnant and I never knew a month ago today I would still be having the same problem just because it's summer and I keep getting referred to doctors pretty much as soon as they go on holiday. I feel like I just keep getting pawned off on someone else. Our health care has always angered me, but getting the firsthand experience is exhausting. I just want to get over this hurdle and be normal again! I had to wait a week just to make an appointment with the gynecologist my doctor referred me to because his office was closed and now I get to wait until my actual appointment! Yee-fucken-haw!
I get to tell my boss that I'm sick, that I shouldn't lift heavy things, I don't get to explain why cuz too many of my friends know my co-workers. And then there's the paranoia of them already knowing because my symptoms/problems point in one obvious direction: pregnancy.
Fack I hate this city! I should just face up and wear the goddamn t-shirt... If I ever actually get to have an abortion! With all this bullshit going on, I feel like I'm gonna run out of time and be forced to give birth to a fucked up kid!
And then being one broke-ass miserable bitch for the prime of my life.