So I fucked the guy that's 13 years older than me again a few days ago.  He's still the oldest guy I've ever fucked.  And then I fucked this guy last night that used to be my ex best friend's fuck buddy.  I've known him for over a year and he was trying to bang me since before they ever met, but I still do feel bad for screwing her leftovers.  Not bad for her or our friendship, I just mostly feel lame for fucking someone a friend already fucked.  Oh well, I was horny.  I didn't actually get the good dicking I wanted from the first guy so I had to make up for it somehow.

It was still pretty hot but I won't go into the details.  Although I've decided to cool it for a while.  I've come to know that I will never develop any mutual respect with these guys I fuck.  I don't want to follow in my fucked up friend's foot steps either.  I kind of already knew this, but I hoped it was just the people I was meeting.  I was hoping I'd make some new fuck buddies and I could have my own little cock rotation going.  Except men are the opposite, they wanna fuck as many women as humanly possible.  Like somehow that makes them a good in bed.  There should be a rule where it only counts if the girl still wants to fuck you after the first time. lol

I still want to have a great sex life, but I've never been good at keeping it a secret.  I definitely won't be doing a guy who has kids ever again.  Anytime I tell this guy about my sex life he gasps and mentions his daughter.  It always makes me feel really horrible.  I already felt cheap just being there I didn't need to feel ashamed for the things I've done with other people too.  I don't feel like I should keep my shit a secret.  Usually people get turned on when I tell them about my sexscapades.

And if he's so worried about his daughter maybe he should be just as worried about his son and how he might treat women in the future.  This guy took advantage of my situation like anyone else his age would.  Not that I feel that way about the situation, but I do have needs like any other woman, it shouldn't matter if they're a different kind.  None of the people I've seriously dated in the past wanted to fuck my ass, spank/paddle me, etc.  They just wanted something pretty to take to the movies, to show off for their friends and a smiling face to cum on.

What is so wrong with me being single and not wanting to be attached?  It's like you have to have a boyfriend now even to be kinky/polyamorous.  People don't trust you when you're single.  Either that or they think you're damaged goods which is even worse.  All single men have to worry about is people calling them perverts or creeps.

Yeah, and so he came in like 5 minutes too.  I'm convinced I freaked him out and he decided to just cum right away because that would be the only way to not hurt my feelings.  No, he didn't hurt my feelings, he just stifled my libido with his ever-shrinking dink.

He's still a nice guy but I hate people who think they've got me all figured out or treat me like I'm stupid without even realising it.  He said he felt bad for coming so soon and he gave me a nice backrub.  Now my back is sore when it wasn't before but it was a sweet gesture.

I remember my horoscope said I should say no to everything that day.  I could've said no on so many levels but oh well.  He seemed genuinely embarassed and I didn't know whether to stay or leave-which would be more/less humiliating.  I kind of knew it would get really awkward eventually, but I never thought it would be because of that.  hehe :p

So much for daddy/daughter roleplay.  I was hoping I'd get comfortable enough with him to try it, but it doesn't look like it.

if you grew up with white boys
who only look at black and puerto rican porno
cause they want something that their dad don't got
then you know where you're at

mortaring your earholes shut in a rush with wet coke
in a starbucks bathroom with the door closed
on booze, i'm left in residue and confused
like the first time you used soft water
down on my luck, caught unaware
like houdini when the last fist struck

if i'm sinking and laughing at something sunken in, i am

sucking dick for drink tickets
at the free bar at my cousin's bat mitzvah
cutting the punch line and it ain't no joke
devoid of all hope circus mirrors and pot smoke
picking fights on dyke night
with shirlies and lokes and snatching purses

doing out on karaoke and forgetting all the verses
blowing kisses to disinterested bitches
playing lead lay in a bad way on broadway
sending sexy smses to my exes new man cause i can
on the road trying to break an old van
eating pussy for new fangs, i am what the hell
using purell till my hands bleed and swell
missing mail at a motel 6, i'm unwell

if i'm sinking and laughing at something sunken in, i am

it feels exciting touching your handwriting
getting horny by reading it and repeating poor me
intently staring at the picture of your feet on the sticker
at the r. crohn's exhibit, i wonder who's sicker

jerking off in an art museum john till my dick hurts
the kind of shit i won't admit to my head shrinker
not even in a whisper to my own little sister
i just act like a dick and talk shit when i'm with her

aught six i'll say the friday before easter
was not what i cried to myself in the pisser
and with you in the front row at the silver jews show
and you act like you didn't notice, my fear of the bear
at showbiz pizza when i saw six was overwhelming and not dissimilar to this

if i'm sinking and something sunken in, i am

at jacob han's on tour i wake up
hung over on a hardwood floor
from a dream about how your dress
hangs off of your little breasts
i'd rather be dead than call this song
how i lost your respect but god bless or get neglected
and i'll see you when the sun sets east, don't forget me

"Good Friday" - Why?

I didn't have to get an abortion.  It turned out that I had an incomplete miscarriage.  I was in the hospital last weekend getting a D & C to try and stop the bleeding.  I've been bleeding for 8 weeks now but it should be over any day now.

I had an exasperating time in the hospital cuz I was waiting to have surgery so they could check if the pregnancy was in my fallopian tube.  They didn't bother to tell me that they changed their mind until I was in the operating room, just before they were going to administer the anesthetic.  They also did me first thing in the morning (the next day, I had to wait all day and all night in the hospital when I thought I would just be there for day surgery) and didn't even give me time to call my mom to tell her it was time. 

I couldn't help from crying when I got into the operating room because the nurses there were asking me what was going to happen and I told them I thought they were going to do an endoscopy (cuz that's what my doctor said the day before I got admitted) but it said in my chart they were doing a D & C!  Neither of the gynecologists on call came to see me to explain anything.  And when it was over the doctor who did the D & C never bothered to tell me how it went-the nurses told me he left the hospital and said they legally weren't allowed to explain how it went, though I doubt he said anything to them about it anyways.  So basically I'm still assuming it went well since I don't do a follow up for a few weeks now.

I was sad afterwards, the nurses thought maybe I had post traumatic stress disorder from miscarrying.  Once I left the hospital though I felt much better.  My mom says I had ptsd from being in the hospital cuz the nurses were so busy that day, they wanted me out of there so they could have my bed but they were too busy to do the necessary things to get me out of there faster.  I had a room with 2 other patients and they were more concerned about them (which I understand, all I had to worry about was fainting from the anesthetic) cuz they had bigger problems.  I just wanted to be alone when it was all over cuz my sister came to visit with my mom and was asking stupid questions, making stupid comments on how I looked.  I wanted to strangle her.

I'm glad it's over.  I shouldn't have to feel like shit by my doctors for having an unwanted pregnancy and miscarrying.  My gynecologist seemed worried that I wouldn't show up for the surgery since my predicament dragged out this long.  When all this time the doctors were telling me I was fine, still pregnant and not overly concerned that I had been bleeding so long.  I'm not a doctor!  I shouldn't have to feel like shit just because no one wants to explain anything to me! :'(

It's been kind of awkward at work cuz this Catholic kid that I was training this week asked me about the tiny holes/bruises on my arms from all the blood tests I've been taking and the IV I had in me while I was in the hospital.  He doesn't seem too judgemental, but I didn't like explaining it.

Oh well, the bruises will go away soon!  I just can't wait to have sex regularily again.  Once the bleeding stops I should be able to get back onto birth control.  XD

I fucked a guy whose 13 years older than me last night, he broke the 'oldness' record of people I've slept with...  hehe.

It turned out we had some stuff in common.  Well, I think he was surprised that I know/remember early 90's music and know who Marc Emery is.  He's divorced and has a couple kids.  He's really easy-going and he talks a lot which is nice so that I don't have to think of stuff to talk about all the time.  I was so relieved that we could actually be fuck buddies and then get along too. 

I hate those men who think they have to be disrespectful to keep from having feelings for you, or use it as a defense mechanism so that you won't fall in love with them.  It's so arrogant and annoying!  Plus I'm starting to worry if I'm even capable of love, it's been a really long time since I've met someone who seems 'perfect'.  Usually the people I want to love aren't into kinky sex and the people who want kinky sex are too fucked up to love.

I can't wait to fuck him again and I'm really surprised by that.  He made me squirt 3 times while he fucked my ass.  Near the end he was fucking me so hard that my cum was splashing up all over my face (we were in missionary) every time he slammed into me.  I've never experienced that before! 

He was kind of impatient at first, but I found out later he wasn't a fan of oral which (was probably why, besides the fact that he knew I like anal and) made my job way easier.  For the most part, I was in control and he did everything I told him to do, it was a nice change to feel like I wasn't just there for him.  He said he hadn't had sex in a long time, but I don't know if I believe that...  Not that it matters.  I wish there were more good looking older men out there, because they have so much more experience and it's not as awkward.

Afterwards he seemed like the happiest person I've ever met, he was truly grateful and so was I (although I didn't thank him profusely like he did).  He was pretty hyper and he did all the work but I think he likes being dominant.  He had an average cock and I have a big ass so it's hard for me to ride anything 7 inches or less.  I can usually do it, but I can barely feel it when I do.

I don't know if we'll do it again.  It's been a long time since I've felt this lustful or comfortable with someone!  I wish I didn't have that voice nagging me about his age.  Truthfully, I don't care but I know other people would even if we're just fucking but I think I like having this dirty little secret.  It feels nice to be appreciated again anyways, it's been too long! : )

I didn't know an older man could raise my self-esteem that much, that's for sure.  I need to meet more down-to-earth people like him!

I never agreed with those t-shirts that women will wear saying "I had an abortion" on them.  Mostly cuz I think it would be annoying to have to walk around and get yelled at or deal with snide comments all day.

I'm trying to keep it a secret that I'm pregnant.  My parents and sisters know, that's about it besides a few of my friends.  The people I know who don't care enough to wanna tell other people cuz they know no one else who knows me--those can be the best friends to have sometimes.  I think that's why I only add the people I don't like to facebook.  I keep my sexy friends on msn.  I don't alienate that many people, I don't think.  Meh, my phone still rings.

The other day I had to leave work half way into my shift and go to emergency because I started having pain in my cervix/lower abdominal area that would not go away and was impossible to ignore.  I couldn't sit down without squirming, it was very painful.  I also started bleeding again.  The pain stopped after an hour, but I waited a few more hours in emergency in case it would come back.  It never did and I decided to leave cuz I was tired and I didn't feel as though I had a reason to be there anymore.  I felt fine!  The bleeding is almost gone again.  I'm pretty sure I would've noticed tissue coming out of me.  I felt something come out of me once, but I never saw if it was anything.

My body knows I don't want to have this baby which I think I've been miscarrying on/off again for over a month.  I've gone to the doctor over a dozen times, I lost count, but I know it's at least that many (that's not counting the times I had to go to a radiologist for ultrasounds, or take lab tests--sucks when you're family doctor goes on vacation and other doctors seem much less concerned about you).  I always hated waiting rooms, but it's even worse when it's almost a daily occurrence and you're lucky if you can get out of there within an hour.

So maybe It's a good thing that I had to quit my job at the casino because I just started there and I was on probation, so I couldn't really call in sick without them thinking I didn't want the job.  So now I'm back at my shitty old job.  Both jobs are shitty, actually.  At least this job has flexibility in scheduling and if I book time off in advance, I'm actually going to get it.

I called the abortion clinic but they don't know where the embryo is and I've had two ultrasounds and taken countless blood tests that say I'm pregnant, but not producing enough BHZ hormone, whatever that is.  I think it has to do with the fact that I've been feeling depressed, but still making myself accomplish things each day and getting out of the house, eating healthy.  Of course if I wasn't bleeding and afraid of having an embryo come out of me during intercourse (though I doubt that'll ever happen), maybe I would be happier.

I'm pretty sure I'm just depressed from being pregnant and I never knew a month ago today I would still be having the same problem just because it's summer and I keep getting referred to doctors pretty much as soon as they go on holiday.  I feel like I just keep getting pawned off on someone else.  Our health care has always angered me, but getting the firsthand experience is exhausting.  I just want to get over this hurdle and be normal again!  I had to wait a week just to make an appointment with the gynecologist my doctor referred me to because his office was closed and now I get to wait until my actual appointment!  Yee-fucken-haw!

I get to tell my boss that I'm sick, that I shouldn't lift heavy things, I don't get to explain why cuz too many of my friends know my co-workers.  And then there's the paranoia of them already knowing because my symptoms/problems point in one obvious direction: pregnancy.

Fack I hate this city!  I should just face up and wear the goddamn t-shirt...  If I ever actually get to have an abortion!  With all this bullshit going on, I feel like I'm gonna run out of time and be forced to give birth to a fucked up kid!

And then being one broke-ass miserable bitch for the prime of my life.

How many big, black cocks does it take to undo the heartache caused by one stupid white boy?

So far I got 3...  Put together, they're still not as complicated or demanding.

Why do they keep finding me?

They keep asking for more chances.  They gradually improve, but the situation still feels more or less the same.  I know this is my fault.  I'm a control freak and am very particular about EVERYTHING.  I always feel I know what I want, but I guess I don't when I keep changing my mind.

I'm not trying to be sexually frigid but it's so damn hard not to when you're with someone you barely know.  I can't keep doing the fuck buddy thing, I don't know what it is but I need to feel more desirable than that.  Fuck Buddy is such an ugly status sometimes.

I'm sick of guys saying they don't want the drama.  Except I'm not a dramatic person.  I also think monogamy is a ridiculous idea.  And this fuck buddy status seems to demand more seriousness which is very boring--sometimes even sad.

You don't have to love a person to try and appreciate them.

I survived a roll over accident in my dad's half ton truck last night!  That is an experience I will surely never forget.  Everytime I think back on it I get a chill. 

It was quite embarassing but I'm thankful that I was the only person involved in the accident and came out in one piece.  I'm also thankful for the people who helped me get out of the vehicle.  As soon as I landed and realised I was upside down, I was very panicked.  When it happened, my heart was racing.  I was thinking about everything and once; worried that no one would stop for me but luckily I did not have to wait long. 

I was not sure I could get out of my seatbelt on my own.  I ended up cutting my hand digging through the snow to try and support myself once someone arrived to undo my seatbelt.  Afterwards I crawled out through the window.

I have several bruises and minor cuts, but I'm fine.  I look fine fully clothed, besides my hands.  My hands still have frost bite from the snow, but it's nothing major.  The deepest cut I had was in the middle of my palm, but it turned out to be fine once I allowed the blood to dry.

The police that arrived at the scene were nice... Until they asked for my information and realised I had a charge from last summer for possession of maurijuana.  I told them that I had done the necessarily actions for the discharge, the paperwork just hadn't been done yet.  I also told them I wasn't willing to talk about it any further and then endured lots of snide comments from the one officer.  I suspect he was trying to get a rise out of me, but after what had happened the last thing I wanted to do was argue with authority about why or why not I should be treated like a common criminal.  I just wanted to go home and get cleaned up.

There is more.  But nothing I feel like sharing.  I've done a lot of things the last year or so that I'm not proud of which contribute to their reasoning of treating me like a hoodlum.  I don't feel like a criminal, though I'm turning 21 and I realise it's time for me to make better decisions unless I want to head down shit creek.  Though there are lots of shitty laws and policies I don't agree with, it would be more productive to try and change them than commit them.

And then maybe I am being disrespectful sometimes.  But I've had 2 different experiences with police/conservation officers/RCMP based on different things.  Let's just say I was disappointed with the personalities/judgemental behaviour of quite a few of the people I had dealings with.  Everything is black or white for them and I will never respect that way of thinking.  It takes those kinds of people to become a part of authority, which is disappointing, but I can't do anything about it.

My dad's truck is totalled. I received a couple fines, I don't want to argue them, I'm just glad I'm OK.  I just want to get this chapter of my life closed.  I can't change the past, but I can learn from it and make wiser decisions.  Everytime a matter is closed, a new one opens up, with me it seems.  I just hope I do enough so that the next one doesn't look as bleak.

I need to move on however.  I could write more about the experience and how intense it was for me.  But until I can move on from this, I will try to keep it furthest from my mind.

I had created a long entry which described one of the worst people I've ever dated.

And then I remembered, 'Why do I want to remember this guy?'

So yeah...  Cons of journalling...  You get to remember things that don't really matter, and most likely don't want to either.

Unless you like to journal about good things... Which is what I strive to do, as soon as I make good things happen.

Overanalyzing things can usually suck.

I will survive, give it time.  Just need to remember to save my breath.  I swear, I can be (almost too) good at it.

Well a couple weeks ago I was very stressed.  I think it's going to take me awhile to fully appreciate Christmas again.  When you have to work through the holidays, there's no magic left...  Just stress coming from all angles.

This Christmas I finally got rid of the 'best friend' that refuses to grow up and accept the fact that you're given more responsibilities as you get older...  Responsibilities that sober you up, keep you from conveniently forgetting things that don't work out in your own favour.

I'm pretty embarassed that I overlooked how one-sided our friendship really was for so long.  Better now than never, I guess.

As for the drug charge last summer, I got a discharge since we were illegally searched by conservation officers.  So I feel pretty good about that.  I only had to do 20 hours community service...  Which was kind of annoying with my work schedule.  But I think I learned my lesson.

Last summer I was pretty depressed about the charge.  But I found a new job and tried doing things that didn't make me feel as much like a loser.  It's pretty hard not to feel like you're wasting your time working full time hours for little money, when you should be going to school instead.

I dunno, I never figured I would have to try and support my older sister(s) and sometimes my parents.  I'm thinking I need to get away from my family, cuz I've proved that I can take care of myself pretty well.  It's just hard to walk away.  I'm always worried about my mom and her health.  It's not good for her to be alone with my dad, anyways.

Well 2008 was a pretty shitty year.  I hope this one is better.  I had planned to write a longer entry, but I keep getting distracted...  So maybe I'll write another entry sometime.